In my last post, I mentioned 3 key rules to enhance the quality of your communication: Timing, Tonality and Framing. These three rules allow you to feel more in charge of the way you communicate. They help you to be more direct, clear and open, especially during challenging or confrontational conversations.

Effective communication allows you to feel more connected, happy and energised. Effective communication requires a balance between giving and receiving. With such a flow of giving and receiving, you are more likely to have more win-win and equal interactions. The giver speaks clearly and the receiver takes in the information, processes it and responds back. The most essential skill the receiver requires is listening. This post is dedicated to learning how to deeply and actively listen.

Are you listening to listen?

In his book, The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, Stephen R. Covey writes: “Few needs of the human heart are greater than the need to be understood- to have a voice that is heard, respected and valued- to have influence. Most believe that the key to influence is communication- getting your point across clearly and speaking persuasively. In fact, if you think about it, don’t you find that, while others are speaking to you, instead of really listening to understand, you are often busy preparing your response? The real beginning of influence comes as others sense you are being influenced by them- when they feel understood by you- that you have listened deeply and sincerely and that you are open. But most people are too vulnerable emotionally to listen deeply- to suspend their agenda long enough to focus on understanding before they communicate their own ideas. Our culture cries out for, even demands, understanding and influence. However, the principle of influence is governed by mutual understanding born of the commitment of at least one person to deep listening first.”

 Deep listening is all about listening to understand rather than respond. It involves the simple act of listening to listen. This kind of active listening has three key components: Connection, Compassion and Curiosity.

CONNECTION

When the intent between the giver and the receiver is about connection, conversations have more depth.  This means the listener is engaged, present and focused on the giver using mindfulness and focus. Mindful listening is the ability to pay attention fully to the person speaking, acting as the observer, whilst managing your own thoughts and emotional state.

COMPASSION

To truly listen to understand means you need to remain non-judgemental and accept that their thoughts are their truth and perspective. It does not need to be your way and may not even be the right way. However, a compassionate listener observes with a sense of openness, acceptance, kindness and grace.

CURIOSITY

To listen with an open mind and an open heart we need curiosity. Being interested in understanding how a person views the world keeps you curious. This includes exploring how they arrived at their beliefs and noticing how those beliefs serve them. This allows you to enter their ‘lens of the world’ and understand them on a deeper level.

This display of empathy and compassion, allows you to remember that the way a person thinks is a result of every experience and every decision made in a moment of time. Unless you have lived the exact same experiences and made the exact same decisions, you will have an entirely different view of the world. The probability of this is as minimal as two people having the same fingerprint.

Active listening with Connection, Compassion and Curiosity can be displayed in the following behaviours:

Maintain engaged eye contact.

Focus on the other person and avoid all distractions.

Ask questions to take the conversation deeper.

Paraphrase what you hear by saying something such as, “So, what I’m hearing is…”

Summarise what you have heard using the words they used.

Remain silent and create a safe quiet space for them to explore their thoughts.

Use the act of deep listening as a mindfulness activity, noticing when you are distracted and then bringing your awareness back to that person. Challenge yourself to stay focused and present by allowing more and more space for listening to your interactions. Stretch yourself to stay silent in those crucial moments and in time you will strengthen your listening muscles.

Remember that the meaning of your communication effectiveness lies in the feedback you receive. So keep on developing your skills as a speaker and a listener and begin to notice how the quality of your relationships begins to thrive.