Speak up and Stand Your Ground With Confident Assertion!
Part of living an authentic life is the ability to speak your truth in an effective and empowering way.
Speaking your truth, standing up for yourself or standing your ground are the foundation principles to being empowered and having self-integrity.
The problem for most of us is that emotions kick in when we are triggered and that damn Fight, Flight or Freeze mode prevents us from being able to think clearly and articulate ourselves in those moments when we need to speak up. And when that happens, the situation we are in becomes stressful and it turns into conflict rather than clarity.
And as a reaction to the stress we then become either aggressive to prove our point, defensive to protect ourselves or keep quiet as it is easier to avoid stress and conflict than to speak up. These reactions lead us to have dysfunctional patterns of communication, which end up in conflict or leave us powerless.
Learning to be confidently assertive can help you remain calmer in situations which stress you and can ensure that you are able to communicate and articulate yourself effectively. This allows you to be heard in an empowering way without any conflict or confusion.
Confident assertion ensures that your needs are met, ensures you are able to communicate your needs, and ensures we are able to influence and determine a person’s response. This means that you can say what you need to say in a way that respects the other person and speaks to their “map of the world” or more specifically takes into consideration their perspective.
So here are 10 ways to be confident and “Awesomely” Assertive:
Use I statements.
Start your conversation by expressing your perspective and feelings.
I feel…
I think…
From my perspective…
This ensures you are not attacking another person and putting the blame onto them, you are explaining yourself clearly, openly and honestly.
Avoid the word you.
I call this the YOU Missile as the word YOU brings up a natural defensive. Think about how you react when you hear, why did you do that, why do you speak to me that way, or you always do things like that…
I call it a missile, because it is designed to bring conflict and defense in a person and defense is a war tactic. So if you throw out a “You Missile”, be prepared to get attacked back.
So using the I statements without a You missile sounds like this… I feel disrespected when I hear that tone, or when I hear that tone I feel triggered.
Notice how, because you have explained yourself and have not put the word you in the sentence, a person is forced to hear your perspective with a lesser chance of taking it personally.
Articulate their perspective to show them that you are respecting their point of view.
This will get the other person engaged in what you are saying, because there is something in it for them. (Remember, we are aiming for WIN-WIN conversations) So extending on our example: “I feel disrespected when I hear that tone. I hear perhaps you are stressed, can we discuss this calmly?”
I have used the world “you” here intentionally, because in this part of the sentence I want them to be engaged and respected.
Explain clearly why you want what you want.
Self reflect before you speak to be clear on the outcome you are wanting. In the above example I have used the word calmly to define how I want that conversation to go.
Be directive and positive.
Say exactly what you want and how you want it to be, not what you don’t want or what is not working. Instead of saying, let’s not fight, state how you want it. For example , let’s be calm and understand each other’s perspective”
Be creative.
Think about what will empower or inspire the other person- what is in it for them. In the example in point 5 I have said that I want us to understand each other, this will show the other person that I am considering them. With the person you are needing to have an assertive conversation with, think what may empower or honor them.
Be open to compromise and collaboration
Be prepared to meet in the middle. Our goal is to be assertive and cooperative at the same time and break the patterns of aggression, avoidance or alienation.
Be mindful of your tone and body language
Remember that your non-verbal language communicates more than your words. In your mind think about the desired tonality you are aiming for, for example, calmness.
As tonality is programmed by your subconscious, think about something that makes you calm, to bring calmness into your focus and awareness, then watch your tonality follow suit.
People subconsciously react to your tonality, no matter what you are saying, so practice different tones to see which one sounds strong yet still co-operative and respectful. Going down with your voice at the end of your sentence makes what you are saying sound stronger or more commanding as opposed to when your voice goes up at the end of your sentence will be communicated as doubt or insecurity.
Let go of justifying, defending or explaining and talk it straight.
The best framework I have learned for this is the following sentence structure:
“I feel…because…I need…
Example: I feel disrespected with that tone, because it makes me feel like a child, I need us to speak to each other as equal adults respecting each other.”
Use your whole body to empower yourself.
Feel strength in your feet and legs and in your stomach and project your voice from your belly (diaphragm) to project your inner power, certainty and confidence. Using your whole body will ensure your tone sounds strong and stable instead of shaky. Here is a great meditation to help you build your inner strength
Be honest, open and transparent ad be prepared to be vulnerable, remembering that vulnerability is not weakness but a place of authenticity which takes courage and intent.
And most importantly PRACTICE PRACTICE PRACTICE.
Start with people or situations which are less intimidating and work towards getting stronger and more assertive in all your conversations. Stand up to the kids bullying you at school, your bullying boss or your controlling partner and begin to focus feeling proud of yourself rather than scared to stand up.
Remember that practice makes perfect. So keep giving it a go, keep fine tuning your skills, and with each attempt you will become a master communicator and will develop more confidence in your ability to speak your truth. And with that confidence you will be able to design your life on your terms and respect others which will lead to more fulfilling harmonious relationships.
Whoo hoo!!!!
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