All of our life experiences have shaped our behaviour in certain ways. Many of our behaviours we are aware of and many are hidden in our unconscious awareness. Some of these patterns serve us and enable us to be our best, while some of them sabotage our greatness and limit our potential.

In my upcoming book, The Essence of You, I identify 4 sneaky behaviours that are most likely causing self-sabotage.

“I call them the ‘Four Ugly Gremlins’, and they can help us see how Ego is showing up in our lives. These behaviours stem from the three toxic core Ego fears that are based on our need to be good enough, worthy and loved.

Who are the Four Ugly Gremlins of the Ego? Let me introduce you! Their names are Compete, Compare, Compromise and Control.

• We compete with others to feel worthy and prove our worth.
• We compare ourselves with others to show that we are good enough.
• We compromise ourselves by people-pleasing and placing other people’s needs over our own so that we can feel accepted and loved.
• We control our environment, people, outcomes, and ourselves in order to feel safe. “ (Excerpt from The Essence of You, Cheryne Blom)

I will briefly describe each one here:

Compete

This yucky bugger forces us to prove ourselves and be better than others. ‘Authentic ambition’ is a healthy way of striving to be your best. But, when the driver is to prove your worth because you feel you are not as ‘good’ as someone else, then the behaviour is stemming from fear. Therefore, such behaviour is Ego-based.

Healthy, authentic ambition energises us, while ego-based competition drains us. It causes internal pressure, anxiety performance, judgement and impatience. It leads us to fear failure as well as fear success. When you hear yourself using phrases such as, “I should, I must or I have to,” then you know this gremlin is acting up and you are coming from a competitive fear-based mindset.

With Authentic ambition, you feel joy, enthusiasm, passion and are driven by a sense of purpose within. It is more playful, light and effortlessly inspires you.

Compare

One only needs to tune into their voice while scrolling through their Facebook feed to catch this gremlin. ‘Compare-itis’ is a gremlin that leads us to constantly compare ourselves to others, leading to jealousy or envy. This gremlin clouds us with a feeling that who we are is not enough and that other people have more, are more or deserve more.

This monster can be debilitating, insatiable and creates self-judgement. We place unrealistic expectations on ourselves and others and it often leads to perfectionism. To slay this gremlin we need to cultivate self-acceptance and gratitude.

Compromise

This gremlin is disguised as the people-pleaser who has no personal boundaries and places the needs of others over their own. This leads us to compromise our truth. Instead of being true to ourselves, we become the person other people need us to be.

Motivated by a need for acceptance, belonging and purpose, this gooey beast can cause burn out, martyrdom and what Oprah Winfrey refers to as the disease-to-please.

On a healthy note, we may want to be a peacekeeper, but when our worthiness is wrapped up in pleasing others we self-sabotage.

Control

“I’m not a control freak!” I hear you cry. Here are some examples, quoted in The Essence of You that you may not have recognised:

• A person with an eating disorder, for example, may be desperately trying to control at least one area of their life.
• A possessive or jealous person desperately tries to control the whereabouts or behaviour of their partner so they can avoid getting hurt.
• A controlling parent will be very strict or discipline too rigorously out of the fear of something happening to their child, or perhaps of appearing to be a bad parent.
• An employer will control employees and have a need to micromanage their team out of fear of looking bad or failing.
• We tightly control our finances out of the fear that we will lose our security and appear to fail.
• We will fight to be right or have things our way to achieve a sense of control when everything feels uncertain.

Recognise any?

When we worry the future or get stuck in planning, mitigating risks, predicting, anticipating or enforcing than we are trying to control a person or situation. Once we surrender, let go and embrace trust, belief and faith, this gremlin dissolves.

Having the awareness of these gremlins is a great first step to breaking your past conditioning. As you slay each one and embrace its antidote, you will feel a greater sense of empowerment, inner peace, freedom and happiness.