In a world where social isolation (loneliness) is an epidemic, we can say that the quality of our relationships impacts the quality of our happiness. Healthy relationships help us feel connected, recognised and understood. They allow us to have a greater sense of belonging and support. There is nothing like the feeling of being seen, heard or acknowledged for simply being you.

There are many factors that build healthy relationships. A foundation of trust, respect and understanding is essential. At the cornerstone of such a foundation lies communication.

Not only is the quality of our happiness determined by quality relationships; the quality of our relationships is based on the quality of our communication. When we are communicating effectively we feel more understood. When we are understood, people can be more compassionate towards us.

So many factors cloud the clarity of our communication. Especially, when it comes to having challenging or confrontational conversations. When we are stressed or triggered we activate our fight, flight or freeze mode and communicate from the primal centre of the brain rather than our higher intelligence. We take things personally and tend to defend ourselves or fight back.  Such reactivity plays out in a screaming match, an inability to articulate ourselves or complete withdrawal.  We do not experience harmony and connection, we end up having power plays, conflict and separation. Instead of feeling proud of the way we expressed ourselves we tend to feel shame, guilt or anger. We achieve a greater sense of self-trust, respect and empowerment when we feel in control of the way we express ourselves.

When we eliminate sloppy communication habits we can develop a healthy communication climate- a healthy win-win space. To help you create a healthy climate, here are three rules to more compassionate and connected communication.

RULE #1: TIMING

Picture this scene. You are running late for work. Your thoughts are consumed with a morning meeting you are rushing to get to. The previous night, you and your partner had an argument that was left unresolved. They are feeling anxious and want to sort things out as soon as possible.

And so as you are scrambling for your keys, they say, “so, about last night… I’d love to understand where you are coming from?”

In your panic and a desperate attempt to shut down the conversation, you throw out a hurtful answer. And so, conflict escalates.

Timing is EVERYTHING when it comes to having healthy conversations.

Before you ask a probing question, ask yourself if the timing is right. And before you snap back with an inappropriate reaction, ask yourself if you need time to answer.

Tips for person initiating conversation

Time big conversations when both are calm, present and open.

Notice if the person is present or distracted

Notice their stress signs and if they are in a stress state or emotional DO NOT START A CONVERSATION. (Not unless you want backlash)

Go for a walk-n-talk. Walking is a great climate for ‘sensitive’ conversations because you are not facing each other and we tend to feel more grounded and relaxed.

Try not to start conversations in the morning, or when you know there is not enough time to see the conversation through.

Preempt the conversation. For example, there are a few things on my mind which are making me anxious. I’d love to clear the air.

Tips to the person receiving conversation.

If you are stressed, rushing or triggered- DO NOT ANSWER, GET CALM FIRST. Create a space to self soothe and process so that you can understand the other person and have clarity on how you wish to respond.

Ask for some processing time or simply say that now is not the right time, you would like to answer properly and suggest another time that may suit you both better. This is not an avoidance strategy, so be sure to complete the conversation and seek resolution.

RULE #2: TONALITY

 HOW YOU SAY WHAT YOU SAY IS MORE IMPORTANT THAN WHAT YOU SAY.

The subconscious mind interprets tonality before hearing the actual words that are being said. Try saying the exact same sentence using different tonality and notice the different feelings tonality produces.

Harsh or aggressive tonality can trigger the inner child. The subconscious mind (our memory centre) associates the tonality heard to a past event. For example, a time they may have been yelled at by a parent and got in trouble. This triggers the conditioned fight, flight or freeze response and we tend to become child-like in our reactions.

Using a soft, gentle or more playful tone will produce less reactivity and help your recipient feel more calm and centred. Managing your own tonality will also trick your brain into feeling calm so that you produce fewer stress hormones and more positive hormones.

Rule #3: FRAMING

Timing and tonality are essential skills for effective communication. In addition, there is definitely a structure and framework for constructing successful conversations. By eliminating certain triggering words and choosing words that direct your recipient, will create a win-win environment. You will feel heard, you will most probably achieve what you want and the other person will feel empowered at the same time.

The first word to eliminate is what I like to refer to as the ‘YOU MISSILE.’ The word YOU will instantly activate a defensive reaction in your participate. Another trigger word is WHY. Notice your reactions to the following sentences:

I hate it when you do that

Why do you always leave your shoes there?

You don’t listen to me

Why do you have to speak to me that way?

You are so selfish … inconsiderate… mean… frustrating… distant … hard to speak to…

Can you notice how all these sentences trigger emotional reactivity?

When you communicate HOW you are feeling, WHY you are feeling it and WHAT you need, you will have a framework to a more successful sentence that communicates your feelings and needs clearly.

Now notice if these sentences leave you feeling more calm and understanding:

I feel so stressed when I see shoes and mess around the house because it adds to all the other tasks I need to do. I end up feeling overwhelmed and reactive and I would love to be more present and calm. I would love it if everyone can be responsible for their own stuff so that we can have more fun together.

 I feel disrespected when I hear that tone. I feel like a child being scolded by a parent. I would love it if we can speak more calmly and kindly to each other so that we can stay connected and loving.

It may feel hard to ‘over-communicate’ yourself, but once you start to see more positive responses you will feel more compelled to use calm, clear and confident language to get your point across.

Now I know what you are thinking… What if I do all of this and the person still reacts?

That brings us to the next most important rule…

L.I.S.T.E.N.I.N.G

Listen to understand, not to respond! There is an art to listening that further enhances a healthy communication climate. Please go to  PART 2 where we explore tips to effective listening skills.