Our passport is our main Identity document. It outlines what our name is, where we were born, our gender, our nationality and places we have been to. These details reveal exactly who we are in a very factual and objective way.

But, how do we really identify with ourselves?

What often makes up our identity is what we have been through. More specifically, our identity is based on the story and the meaning we made about what we went through. And, for many of us, the pain of what we have been through has become our identity. It holds its own passport and the scars it leaves maps a trial of the wounds we carry.

I hear evidence of these ID documents all the time:

I am a drug addict.

I have anger issues.

I am a disorganised person.

I am an anxious person.

I am a shy person.

I am a widow.

I am divorced.

I am a victim of abuse.

I am a cancer survivor.

When we are stuck in the pain, it owns us. We are stuck in a victim mindset and blame the person or event for making us the way we think we are. In giving our power away to something outside of ourselves, we lose ourselves and forget who we truly are.

But, as Dr Edith Eva Eger, author of The Choice; Embrace the Possible explains, we do not always have to be victims of what we have gone through. Dr Eger is a Holocaust survivor and a psychologist specialising in trauma. In a recent podcast with Oprah, Dr Eger says, “The Nazi’s tried to murder me, but they could not murder my spirit.” This line brought me to tears and really says it all. No one can take away who we are. No one or nothing that we have been through can change the Essence of who we are because that is our authentic self- our virtues and our truth. She may have endured the atrocities of the Holocaust, but she did not lose herself.

When we separate the facts of what we have gone through from the stories we hold about them, we can begin to let go of our inner pain and victim story. We can realise that there is a difference between who we are and what we have been through. We can begin to write a new story and realise that we have a choice as to how we can see our past events. They do not have to own us and they certainly do not need to be our identity. We can heal and claim back the broken parts of ourselves we gave away.

So, right now you have a choice to stay stuck in pain story or rewrite your narrative. Start by asking yourself a very important question, why has this happened to me? Do not ask this question in the tone of your victim. Ask this question with the awe and curiosity of a child in search of growth. Seek the lessons and you will find your true potential- you will find who you really are and what really makes up your identity.

This process of letting go requires immense courage. As we release the certainty of what we know, we travel THROUGH the discomfort of pain. When we travel through it without getting stuck in it, we realise that from pain comes growth. Although pain is uncomfortable and can often shake us to the very core it is a catalyst to growth and can lead us to ultimate levels of joy and happiness.

So remember, “Happiness is not for Chicken Shits. It takes courage, commitment and conviction to make the moment-to-moment choices that move you toward what makes you truly happy.”  (Excerpt from The Courage to Be You, Cheryne Blom– scheduled for release 31 August 2019)